Multi-time world champion Kelly Slater hosts surfing at the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics at her Lemoore Surf Ranch: “It’s something that could be done. You’ve got my brain thinking about it!”

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“Surf Ranch doesn’t seem to ‘spark joy’ among the best in the world. They look exhausted and depressed after a ride… ”

After watching every wave of the Surf Ranch Pro 2021 that followed watching every wave of 2019 Freshwater Pro and 2018 Surf Ranch Pro and 2018 Founders Cup a comment from former surfer and legendary Surfer Magazine editor Ben Marcus got me thinking.

Marcus claimed in a comment to bathtub critics that we were all essentially pseudo-intellectual blowers who “would kill to ride the thing.”

Kill?

Kill what, kill who?

The only thing I wanted to kill after Surf Ranch was myself.

It made me realize though, that I really and really didn’t want to be part of Kelly’s power hungry, water wasting machine wave. In fact, you would have to pay me to go there and surf.

You’re kidding Kelly, but I have a number in my head.

You won’t like it but I think it’s fair and reasonable.

Ten thousand. U.S. dollars.

Plus the expense and travel, of course.

This miracle of modern technology that makes techies like Marcus tremble with envy and admiration, really so special?

Creating waves, in the end, turned out to be a relatively straightforward engineering challenge. At last count, there were about twenty different methods of creating commercially viable wave pools.

It’s not the I-phone or the birth control pill. Anyone who has seen a boat’s wake crash against a shallow bank has seen the model of the so-called “groundswell” technology used by the Surf Ranch. Basically put a hull in the water and ride the wake as it breaks over a shallow edge. The Kelly Slater Surf Ranch is a glorified boat wake.

Twenty.

It’s not the I-phone or the birth control pill. Anyone who has seen a boat’s wake crash against a shallow bank has seen the model of the so-called “groundswell” technology used by the Surf Ranch. Basically put a hull in the water and ride the wake as it breaks over a shallow edge.

The Kelly Slater Surf Ranch is a glorified boat wake.

The bathtub, now that we’ve got well past blitz marketing and all the pros have tried it, doesn’t seem to “spark joy” among the best in the world. They look exhausted and depressed after a ride, unless they just won of course.

Watching Strider Wasilewski commenting live on a ride made me realize that I would be surfing worse than him, but I would ride the wave. Which means I would safely ride my four waves probably without the intellectual balls to throw early to the left. I would have two half barrels on the right, I would probably be stuck in the final section or dodge everything together like Jadson Andre did.

Magical thinking persists with pool fans, however.

What is miraculous in waves is the physics of water. It’s dense, 830 times denser than air. It’s amazing the amount of energy it takes to heat it, cool it, make waves in it.

The physics of water will not change.

Which means all the hype about ‘wait for the next one when he’s eight feet and kicking a barrel’ etc. is pissing in the cosmic wind.

Already, Slater’s energy-guzzling tub sucks solar power from PG and E’s solar power plants that could power homes, etc. Until a bathtub can be connected to a nuclear power plant, we will squat down to fit it in with little breasts. The increase in energy required is logarithmic and not linear. Which means making a wave twice as big takes eight times as much energy, etc.

Or something like that, don’t quote me on math.

What do you have for your ten thousand, Kelly? You can humiliate me in public.

Get a megaphone, or go up to the mic and heckle me live while I’m up and riding. It will be a very pleasant experience for you, I promise you. I will sign an NDA, promising never to mention Tub in any way again. Nothing. You get silence for life.

Ten thousand. It’s pocket change, even for someone as notoriously armed and with deep pockets as you.

They are fighting a proposal to bulldoze the bush on the floodplain in the heart of a “blue zone” to build a wave pool and a huge canal real estate development in your name, which they call a “Trojan horse for you.” a poorly designed urban sprawl “, which must be” rejected out of hand “.

What about the money?

I won’t even take a dime. I intend to donate the entire ten thousand dollars to a local environmental organization. A real one, not a second-rate green.

Maybe you’ve heard of the Sunshine Coast Environment Council? They are the leading environmental advocacy group dedicated to protecting the beautiful Sunshine Coast. There are a lot of environmental threats there.

They are fighting a proposal to bulldoze the bush on the floodplain in the heart of a “blue zone” to build a wave pool and a huge canal real estate development in your name, which they call a “Trojan horse for you.” poorly designed urban sprawl ”, which must be“ rejected out of hand ”.

So what do you say Kelly?

I know you are reading this.

Ten thousand dollars won’t get your soul back, but it will be one less mosquito to answer, and we know it keeps you awake at night.

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